What Really is Emotional Intelligence?

Introduction

As someone who extensively coaches people on improving their Emotional Intelligence (EI), I get a lot of inquiries about what exactly it is. This is why I’ve decided to discuss some more details about Emotional Intelligence in this article. 

You see, I’ve been coaching leaders on EI for more than twenty years.

And although I already had a graduate degree in psychology when I started, I had not taken even one course in university about it. I had to educate myself before I started coaching these leaders. 

 

And I was thrilled to see how understanding the basic principles of EI can help improve anyone’s life, even my own. 

Specifically, how my own emotions and the emotions of those around me significantly influences our behaviors and decisions. And how hard it is to understand someone’s behavior if you don’t try to understand the emotions that are driving it. 

Definition of Emotional Intelligence

First, let’s start with a simple explanation. 

 

In essence, Emotional Intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage our own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict.

While the initial definition provides a broad overview, Emotional Intelligence consists of several key components, such as:

• Self-awareness: This involves recognizing your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior. It’s about knowing your strengths and weaknesses and having self-confidence.

• Self-regulation: This refers to controlling your emotions and impulses. People who self-regulate typically think before acting, can manage their emotional reactions to situations, and can bounce back from adversity.

• Motivation:  Emotionally intelligent people are highly motivated to achieve their goals, are willing to defer immediate results for long-term success, and are highly productive and effective in whatever they do.

• Empathy: This is the ability to understand the emotions of others and treat them according to their emotional reactions. Empathetic people are excellent at managing relationships, listening, and relating to others.

• Social skills:  Being adept at managing relationships and building networks, and understanding the social complexities of a situation.

The Importance of Understanding Emotional Intelligence

Okay. That’s the school stuff. Now, here’s the juicy stuff. 

Most of us have no idea that our emotions are driving our behavior. We just act or react, often without giving it much thought. 

 

The underlying premise of EI is that your emotional brain is controlling your actions and reactions. 

For example, your emotional brain is controlled by your fight/flight/freeze response. 

Anytime your emotional brain senses a threat to one or more of your core needs, you’ll get triggered. I mean your survival system clicks into high gear so you can deal with this sense of threat. 

We all understand it when it comes to personal safety. We see a car coming towards us as we are crossing the street, and we jump out of the way. That’s flight. We don’t have to think about it. In fact, we better not think about it or the car just might hit us. 

 

But did you know that we have other needs besides safety. 

For example, we need a sense of autonomy or control. We need to feel we belong or maybe we need to be respected. These are only a few of our emotional needs. 

Now here’s the amazing thing. 

 

When our emotional brain senses that one of those needs is at risk of not being met, it triggers a fight/flight freeze response in us. And the subsequent behavior is a response to that.

Let me help with an example I see all the time. 

A client who is a coach wants to get out there and grow their business except that they procrastinate daily on putting themselves out there on social media. 

They don’t understand their behavior. 

But I do. 

Their emotional brain is afraid of rejection, or bad comments, or people thinking they aren’t good enough. This brain needs to feel it belongs, but here it is in a position where that need could easily be at risk just with a simple Instagram post. 

The brain’s response:  Freeze. Do nothing. Procrastinate. That’s how the brain keeps you safe from the threat of being thrown out of your social group. Right? 

 

If you get thrown out of your safe social structure, something bad could happen to you. 

Remember, the emotional brain is all about survival. 

It does not think it through. It just takes over your rational, thinking mind and has you playing video games or cleaning the house all day.  

I don’t know if those are your avoidance behaviors. Mine are usually, all of a sudden I’m too tired or too hungry…must go do something else. 

How to Use Emotional Intelligence Effectively

To deal with this scenario, let’s look at EI.

Self-Awareness:  You have to look deep inside yourself to understand your procrastination or any other behavior that is spoiling your achievements. Ask: What exactly is driving my behavior?

Self-regulation: Practice some deep breathing or yoga to help switch yourself out of the fight/flight/freeze response when you even think about writing that post. 

Motivation: Now think about the truth of this situation. Will you really be ostracized by your family, friends or potential clients? Instead, remember your truth, which is you want to be of service, you want to help people, you have a dream that is bigger than yourself. 

Empathy: Think about the other people who you are worried about. What is their story? If they were to reject you, what does that mean about them? Remember, everybody has a story and their behavior is rarely about you. You must learn not to take it personally. 

Social Skills: You are now ready to go out there, develop connections and put yourself out there while always checking in with yourself so you can manage those perceived threats and take action.

Conclusion

To recap, Emotional Intelligence is a valuable concept that encompasses self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. 

It plays a critical role in your personal and professional lives, influencing how you manage your emotions, interact with others, and achieve your goals. 

Embracing and improving your EI can lead to profound changes in your life and the lives of those you coach and interact with.

For anyone looking to transform their mindset and dive into the crucial aspect of self-awareness, my exclusive guide, “Beginner’s Guide to Improving Your Mindset,” is perfect for you. It zeroes in on the self-awareness aspect of Emotional Intelligence, offering actionable steps and strategies to shift your mindset for the better. Ready to embark on a journey of personal growth? Click here to access your free copy.