How To Align One’s Daily Activities with One’s Deeper Purpose – My Spiritual Diaries
My deeper purpose in life is Self-realization.
Officially, I started following that purpose around 1978 when I walked into the Self-realization Fellowship gathering place on the upper east side of New York to pick up an application for their meditation lessons.
I was so uncomfortable in this strange room with strange sounds and smells and people, that I walked in, grabbed the application off a table and walked out.
At home later, I filled in the application. At one point, they asked what I wanted from learning to meditate with these lessons. Without a beat or even a breath, I wrote down, “I want to know God.”
Stunning really, as I was not at all religious. But, I was very spiritual and had been interested in that world for as long as I can remember.
And then, I lived happily ever after right?
Well, Not quite.
Yes, Goal #1 identified. I know my deeper purpose. Self-realization.
Goal #2, realizing it? an entirely different story.
I struggle, I mean wrestle, argue, quit, rejoin, forget, give up and well, you get the picture. I struggle to align my deeper purpose with my daily activities.
What generally happens is, I get involved in a project, plan or need to make money, and my longing to know God goes out the window, down the drain.
It completely disappears and I get caught in the earthly struggles like everyone else.
At some point, like recently when I felt empty, burned out, bored and questioning all my choices, I remember, “Oh yea, Self-realization. That’s the point of my life. Where did that go?”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I meditate and do yoga asanas everyday. I study The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer every week and have for years.
I have a small picture of my guru, Paramahansa Yogananda along with a statue of Buddha (that was my mother’s) on my little shelf I use as an altar.
And still, I forget even moments after my meditation about my deeper purpose and get caught like a moth to flame in my worldly affairs.
And hey, maybe that’s how it works for everyone. But you know, I’m a little disappointed in myself.
How does one align their daily activities with their higher purpose anyway?
Let’s consider this.
Actually, I think I understand how. One must surrender to the flow of life. One must learn to let go of trying to control anything and everything. One must trust in the process.
Yes. I actually know this.
I just don’t do this.
I’m a little addicted to the ups and downs, the momentary dopamine highs, and even the struggles of earthly life. You know the stuff, what should I post on Instagram today that nobody sees or cares about????
I am chasing success in my business more than I care to admit.
I had a therapist who once informed me the reason my romantic relationships were so terrible was because I was still an emotional child of around 8 years old, addicted to pain, suffering and drama.
That was one of my favourite life moments. It is seared into my memory…his voice, the office, my stunned silence. I hung in the space between laughing and crying.
One thing for sure. He was right on and that self-awareness changed my life.
Could it be that I have vestiges of this addiction when it comes to my work? Am I emotionally eight years old? Am I addicted to the struggle? Am I working to get approval?
And is that why I forget to Let Go and Let God every moment I can? Am I too attached to the pain, suffering and drama?
I wonder.
Because, of course, I am attached to the good stuff too. Teaching Life Coaching, mentoring and coaching people, writing about my spiritual dilemmas and blogging about issues important to coaches and others looking for guidance.
No doubt, there is something unsettling about total surrender. There is a part of me, I mean a part of me, like old programming that thinks life is not safe and I can’t trust and let go because if I do, I won’t be protected from those dangerous things.
And that part grabs onto the things in an attempt to control it so I can be safe.
And when that happens, so long to “deeper purpose.”
Well, that was a mouthful wasn’t it? As I said to a friend once, I’m nothing if not deep!!!
Hah. That still makes me laugh.
Well here is my resting place on this.
I’m just scared. That’s all. Scared like a small child. And I need to work on that. I need to find a way to release that old programming because I don’t see how I can totally commit to surrendering to my deeper purpose if I’m too afraid to let go of the reins.
I shall think about Annie Oakley, my hero when I was a kid. I loved how she could ride her horse so fast with no hands on the reins or the saddle horn. I just love that image of her galloping around the ring, free from fear, free from constraints, just plain free.
This shall be my guidance. I will work on that feeling. Giddy up!!!!
